A Relationship After Cheating: How To Recover From An Affair

By James Nussbaumer

Is it possible to heal a relationship, or fix the broken marriage, and go deep into rekindling the old love to make it better than ever before?

Let's address a few questions about dealing with infidelity and whether or not you should be considering ending a relationship

Leaving a relationship is not always the best thing to do when recovering after an affair, so let's look at whether you should begin moving on, or choosing healing for staying together.

- Do you want to stay in the relationship?

This is frequently the most obvious, and the toughest question to respond to when there has been infidelity in marriage.

You understand yourself and your partner and how you truly feel.

Reconstructing a relationship while surviving infidelity will take a great deal of time, a great deal of perseverance, a great deal of trust, and mostly a great deal of love.

If you do not seem like you can truthfully bring those characteristics to the table you will most likely not be able to stay with it long enough to recover the injuries.

It might be best to decide on ending the relationship.

- One consideration is the long-term practicality of the relationship.

While nobody deserves to cheat, if your partner has actually constantly been devoted and truthful, however just had a weak point that got in the way, particularly if the relationship was struggling, you may be able to carry on with the relationship.

Obviously that would depend on the reason the relationship was struggling to start with.

If it was simply a 'regular' rough spot than that's one thing, but if the relationship is over, however neither of you really wants to admit it, that is another thing.

Figuring all this out will be hard, specifically when you are handling the pain of betrayal, but it is essential to attempt to take a step back to see things more clearly.

Healing the Pain of Betrayal [http://jamesnussbaumer.com/how-to-save-a-relationship/]Previously I discussed how to save a relationship even when infidelity in marriage has occurred and where healing is crucial but with time can be successful.

Seeing things more clearly for healing purposes can be assisted along by employing the assistance of a counselor or therapist.

An objective third-party that can assist and guide you through these questions and create honest answers.

- It will take some time

Nobody should anticipate fixing a broken marriage in a couple of weeks, or even a few months.

To structure trust again if infidelity in marriage were to happen again, is even more difficult than constructing it the initial time.

You need to permit yourself time to get some clarity so you can decide exactly what you want to do.

Often the unfaithful partner will aim to hurry things.

They do this for a few primary reasons, one, they feel guilty and the faster you are 'back to regular' the faster some of that regret will fade.

And then, they know that if you have the ability to grieve for a time and get clearness it's extremely most likely you'll choose to end the relationship, and they might not desire that, despite the truth that they cheated.

Just think about some of these points if your partner has cheated and you want to decide if a relationship after infidelity in marriage is still possible.

Surviving an affair can be one of the most certainly difficult and unpleasant things you will ever go through.

You will get through it, and it's crucial to try to make the best decisions you can so that you will be able to find healing, with or without your partner in the future.

If your partner has cheated and you want to choose if leaving a relationship or staying is the best thing to do, just think about some of these points I've mentioned in this article.

It's good to explore carrying on break up discussions when dealing with infidelity in a relationship, so you may get through this most challenging and painful time.

To healing and a life of happiness!

You can find related info on topics like, 'getting back with your ex and sure ways to rekindle a relationship,' and so much more: http://jamesnussbaumer.com/getting-back-together-with-an-ex/

The link above gives you access to further helpful material and for folks who are interested in letting go of the past and moving on in life to attaining Real Abundance, Purpose, and Wellness in their lives.

Hi, I'm James Nussbaumer, I'd like to introduce myself through my thought provoking self-improvement and inspirational books, articles, videos, Podcast, and other content for a better life, where I reflect on the principles of A Course in Miracles. It's about being all you can be and a life of success and happiness. Thank you for visiting.

Relationships :'Not a Leaf Moves Without My Will' - So Said Lord and That Includes Love

By Madan G Singh

I have been wondering about so many events in my life. I consider myself lucky that my life is full of varied experiences throughout the years. I have been assailed by many thoughts but overall I have come to the conclusion, that the words of the Lord " Not a leaf moves without my will" is a Cardinal principle of life.

After leaving the Air Force, I was one of the lucky few who was interviewed by AH Tobaccowala a doyen of the Parsi community and an earlier close associate of JRD Tata. This interview was for a Community Health Project under the auspiciousness of the World Health Organisation and was located in Palghar district of Maharashtra. I was appointed the project director. It was a very senior appointment making me responsible through the Indian headquarters headed by Tobaccowala to the WHO in Geneva. I had his bevy of scientists in various fields like tribal welfare, water sanitation, improvement in agriculture and other associated subjects reporting to me. Though I have none of these or matching qualifications, yet the interviewing a thought I was the most competent man to be the project director of this tribal welfare project. Before I took over I was called to Geneva for a briefing.

The beginning of the tryst

My story really commences from the time I landed in Geneva I was put in a good hotel but it was bitterly cold as it was the month of December. I had a meeting with the top brass of the WHO who briefed me about the project and told me that they had appointed me to the post of the director basically to see that the project was properly administered and there was no corruption. A vast amount of funds were flowing into the community project from the WHO and the previous incumbent probably swindled $200,000.I was told that they had studied my background and their confidence was high that I would not allow a repeat of such a monstrous act.I was delighted that the authorities have so much confidence in me during the meetings I was introduced to young American doctor named Sally. This is not her real name but is one used by me to identify her for the simple reason that it will not be proper for me to name such a person.

I looked at Sally and saw that she was about 5 feet 4 inches tall, extremely slim with very shapely legs. Above all, she was a doctor and I was told she has been with the World Health Organisation for close to 6 years. I guessed her age as about 25 that made her about two decades younger than me but this did not dampen my enthusiasm and desire wondered what she was like as a woman. I have once a brief meeting with her and I took my chance.

"Sally," I said. "I am here for another 3 days. Would you care to have dinner with me tonight/"

She thought for a moment and then her eyes brightened and she said: "yes, certainly why not?"

So the dice were cast.After getting to my hotel I asked the manager to arrange dinner for a couple in a quiet corner of the dining hall.

Sali came at 8 pm.She was wearing a gorgeous black dress with the slit up to the hips. This set her to good advantage and now I had a look at her face. She had slightly smallish eyes with a square chin and I guessed she was descendant of the Red Indians many generations earlier. Overall she created the image of a very enticing woman and as we clicked champagne, we came to know each other better. It was a long dinner and continued late into the night the ice had been broken between us and we were now almost friends. I shook hands as she left with the word "goodbye Sally, hope you are going to come to India soon".

"Yes of course" she replied. "I will come to India. In fact, I come here quite often to work with the tribals and I hope you will be there. It will be a great pleasure working with you." She laughed and I could not help feeling that her laughing was just like the chimes of small bells ring in a church.

The Tryst

I came back to India and took charge of my post as the director.It was a tremendous job and give me a great opportunity to learn about tribes and their modes and Customs. I really felt that I was doing some good in the world. This is the first time in my life even after two decades in the air force that made me think of such thoughts. One day I was sitting in my office when my secretary came to me and said "Sir, a cable has come from Geneva. A person called doctor Sally will be visiting for a month."

My ears picked up and I asked her to repeat the message. I was delighted that doctor Sally would be coming too Palghar and maybe I could invite her to dinner again

On the due date, Sally landed at Santacruz airport and she was picked up by our vehicle and brought to Palghar. We had a small guest house and I positioned there. It was small place situated in the woods with a lot of greenery all around and course it was fully air-conditioned.I had also arranged for a chef who could cook continental food

Sally was course delighted to meet me. She gushed "captain, it's a great honor to be here with you and I look forward to a lot of interaction for tribal welfare"

"Yes, I know that is the purpose why we are here" I replied.

Sally began to work, initially in the headquarters and later she began to move on her own among the tribals. There was very little interaction between me and Sally for the first one week, considering that she had come for a month, I began to wonder whether she would go back without my having had dinner with her. These are lascivious thoughts in my mind but these cannot be wished away. Especially for a man like me who has seen the world and his wife had left him half a dozen years back.

This was the period of the monsoon and everybody knows that Ghats monsoon is something that has to be experienced. Over 100 inches of rain falls and torrents reign making the atmosphere romantic and the countryside becomes beautiful and green.

One day Sally told me, "Captain, I have to go to Ratham village and there is no vehicle available can. I take your Land Cruiser?"

I replied "that's not a problem but the problem is that there is no driver as today the driver has not come from Andheri but there is a way out and that is I will drive you to the village." This delighted Sally and she said "why the delay, so let's go"

I jumped into the driver's seat of the Land Cruiser and put the vehicle into gear and the vehicle lurched forward. Sally sat in the seat next to me and looked at me. I wondered what was going through her mind and as we continued forward the rain began to fall. It was not a simple rain but a torrent almost like a cloudburst. Thunder boomed and boomed again and lightning crashed across the sky. I had a feeling that's something was going to happen. I had never seen long thunders strike with such boom and I had a feeling that Lord Krishna was up to something.

I again wondered what could be the reason for this avalanche. The rain now increased in speed and after a few minutes Sally said " Sir, you better stop because I wonder if you can see anything as the visibility is reduced to almost zero"

" Yes," I said "that's a good idea," as I piloted the Land Rover to a halt by the side of the road. Let me tell your friends it was not much of a road really and basically, it was just kutcha path through the mountains. As we sat in the Land Cruiser I began to wonder about these strange events which are taking place. I said, more to myself' "Looks like this is the hand of Lord himself"

She caught on and asked, "who is the Lord?"

I replied "He is Lord Krishna, who really runs the universe. He is omnipotent everywhere and there is one quotation in the Bhagavad Gita which about sums up the essence of life. It says "not a leaf moves without my will"

"Do you believe, "she asked

Yes" I replied "I do believe it and if we are together here with rain all around it can only be the handiwork of the Lord himself"

Sally looked out of the window at the rhythmic pattern of the rain falling on the earth. What was she thinking? I didn't know as I said something which I wanted to say so many times.

"Sally, I must say you are the most wonderful beautiful girl I've ever seen". She smiled back at me and replied "I knew it all along, in fact, I have been sure. I have seen your eyes following me and believe me I knew the driver was not available today and I wanted to come with you alone." I was in for a shock as now it transferred that this visit has been planned by Sally, as she knew the driver was not there and I would drive the vehicle.

She just looked out of the window and whispered "Captain, I had a weird dream yesterday. A man big and strong took me in his arms and carried me away. He seemed to jump over the clouds as he held me tight. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see my abductors face, but something told me it was you." That's when I engineered this little plot today, but I never knew the heavens would break asunder and I would be in the position I am now.

These words hit me like an avalanche and impulsively I caught her hand. She made no attempt to pull it back as I carried it forward to my lips. I kissed the knuckles, the inside of the palm and sucked the thumb and each finger. She made no attempt to pull her hand away and then suddenly thunder and lightning crashed and the cruiser shook like an aspen leaf.

There was no word spoken between us as lightning and thunder crashed across the sky and the rain beat on the earth. I had pulled the seat into the reclining position and took her face in my hands and kissed her lips, her nose, her cheeks, her chin for what seemed like an eternity.

"Sally, Sally" I whispered "you are my girl and if God wills and if the Lords feels maybe this day will have some memories, later on. I will not describe further what happened because it is something so primordial, something so glorious, something like the dance of Shiva as I undressed Sally. I made ferocious love to her. I am a fitness freak, a golfer, mountaineer, horse rider and these held me in good stead as with the rain beating all around and the Land Cruiser shaking like a leaf and with thunder booming, again and again, Sally became mine. At the back of my mind, I had no regrets that I had seduced the girl two decades younger than me. All I knew at that moment was that this girl was mine and the great lord had given her to me

The rain stopped but we continued in on our path to Eden. It was a delight as nightfall came and the stars begin glittering in the sky as the monsoon had gone. In the clear sky with no rain and monsoon, I carried Sally onto the soft earth for one last fling like the last post sounding the retreat.

We returned late at night and next day when I was in the office I received a cable from the head office at Geneva calling Sally back. I was loathed to let her go but after a last farewell lingering kiss, she left. I was left wondering at this tryst of destiny in the jungles and the mountains of the Ghats and I thought what could be the result.

Hand of the Lord

Sally soon resigned from her job and left for America. She rang me up before leaving and said she was going away to America but she said something which will remain in my memory forever. She wrote to me saying "I am caring something which is a gift of the Lord". I wondered what she meant and try to take Sally out of my mind after another 2 months Shirley sent me an email in which told me that the gift which I have given was the gift of the Lord himself.

She said she believed Lord Krishna and she further strengthens by the fact that very soon in the months to come she would carry my gift into the world. The story must end here because what happened after that would sound more like an anti-climax. I learned Sally was married, a fact she never told me. She was also childless for 4 years. I am convinced that when Lord Krishna says "not a leaf moves without my will" is nothing but true.

The Specific Heat of Humans

By Elizabeth Anne Williams

Pancake is to waffle as man is to aluminum? Well, yes, actually. Pancakes and waffles have lots in common and as it turns out, so do metals and humans too! What is this shared value? Specific heat! Remember back to high school chemistry class when we would set fire to different metal objects and then measure just how fast or slow the object would heat up and cool down? This value would vary drastically by metal. As a refresher, aluminum foil, just like what you use in your kitchen, heats up very quickly and also cools down very quickly. Aluminum is very different from iron, which on the contrary is slow to increase in temperature and likewise slow to cool off.

When it comes to emotions, humans have their own unique specific heat value too. Some of us get 'heated' (see what I did there?) rapidly and then calm down quickly but others exhibit remarkable patience up until a point and then get very heated and take a considerable amount of time to cool off. Think of the difference between a Buddhist monk and a two-year-old child. Which would you rather debate with or confront with an issue or concern? The specific heat of humans is basically a fancy way of saying temperament except that perhaps we can measure, quantify and compare the variance from one person to another in a logical way. There is no right or wrong, good or bad specific heat value. Instead, each has its own place and purpose for different things. For example, aluminum is a terrible conductor of heat but the molecular structure of aluminum allows the element to have rapid temperature changes versus any other metal, which makes great for cooking since you are less likely to get burned! Iron on the other hand, holds on to heat longer so it wouldn't be ideal in the kitchen but if you are out camping and want your food to stay hot longer in the pot, then it is great!

What if we could calculate what each of our own specific heat value is and then use that as a baseline for comparison to other people. Imagine on your dating profile next to your astrological sign and your age, you also included your human specific heat value to indicate how much of a temper you have? Some people like being around others who are quick to get upset but also quick to reconcile, especially if that is how they are too! Others on the other hand may seek mates who are slow to anger and likewise slow to decompress after an argument if that is how they are. For example, I am a hot-tempered redhead and my husband is an easy-going North African. Naturally, when we argue and I am fine five minutes later ready to move on, kiss and make up, I expect him to follow in this regard too but he does not at all. We have very different specific heats! If we had known each other's 'number', when we first met, it would inform and shape how we react to each other and our different distinct temper needs. This knowledge could help us sooth each other's burns instead of adding fuel to the fire without realizing it.

For metals, the formula for calculating specific heat capacity is this: c (specific heat capacity) = E (total energy) / m (mass) x �T (change in temperature). As we were discussing earlier, aluminum is very hot to trot with a specific heat capacity of.9 which is high when compared to iron which is around.45 and gold which is a mere.1. If we adapt this formula to humans, it would look something like this: h (specific heat capacity of human) = E (total energy or calories burned) / m (mass) x��T (change in time elapsed over course of argument). If I look at this morning's example, indicative of most instances, my specific heat value when I plug into this would be.02 and my husband's would be.01. It turns out, as pancake is to waffle, I am to aluminum as he is to iron.

Who remembers the website Hot or Not when we were teenagers? Well, this is the modern-day 'Hot or Not' experiment but more deliberative then assigning a 0 to 10 number to someone's photo online.

So, what is your number?

Opinion Is a Privilege, Not a Right

By Steve Wickham

One week teaches us much if we care to reflect and observe. God had this sort of conversation with me recently: "Watch and learn about how your opinion polarises or changes - see how fickle it is - watch and learn about others' opinions - watch and learn, thirdly, about the ruin opinion brings."

Opinion brings ruin.

Because it is ill-conceived judgment for every user,

as nobody has the whole truth at their disposal.

Time often tells if our opinions have validity or not. Rarely do we have such a grasp on reason to have something of value to offer. That usually takes the time of analysis, which is never arrived at in the moment. Yet so rarely do we commit such effort to making a fair analysis of our or others' opinions.

If our view could ever be considered a right, then we would have to agree that others have that same right. What goes with that is a respect to hear divergent views. Rarely do any of us enjoy others sharing their conflicting views without us wanting to interrupt and 'correct' them.

Opinion is a privilege, not a right, but unfortunately, we live in an age where everyone has broadcast capacity. Our age mobilises thought instantly, and there's no time made for reflection, let alone listening to another's opinion with an obliging heart.

I say opinion is a privilege because our opinions have power. They have incredible power to upset people. Rarely are opinions used to vouch for another's good in a way that promotes peace. More often, opinions add fuel to an already stoked fire.

All opinions - no matter how right or wrong they are - can be expressed in such a way as to be wrong or right. If they're not shared respectfully or they're not treated with respect, conflict breaks out. Name-calling ensues, with emojis, and worse, trolling. Being right or wrong can be very well beside the point. It takes much wisdom to correctly communicate opinion, but even this statement is an opinion. And, most issues we can have an opinion on are far too complex to be reduced to a linear thought.

There is a better way.

A third way.

A way of thinking that is no longer either/or, but both/and. Such thinking synthesises left and right, good and bad, right and wrong (for good and bad, and right and wrong, depend on your standpoint - they're not literal positions).

But the only way we can employ this third way thinking is through instant self-awareness of our opinionated judgment. We will always want to go one way or the other, in some one direction with our thought.

To employ third way thinking we must become aware of the instant formulation of a view, check that view (and by that I don't mean self-validate it), and bring into the court of our awareness all other views, before repenting of our one solitary view.

We could learn much from this saying:

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted."

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

Steve Wickham holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

Relationships: Do Some People's Childhood Set Them Up To Feel Safe With Abuse?

By Oliver JR Cooper

While there are people in the world who are in healthy relationships, there are others who aren't. As a result of this, some people are going to be with people who have a negative effect on them.

Zero Tolerance

If someone is in a healthy relationship, or if they have had them in the past, they might find it hard to understand why anyone would stay with someone who treats them badly. One could even look back on their life and see that they have walked away from at least one person who treated them badly.

Through being treated badly, they would have felt uncomfortable and this would have given them the urge to cut their ties with them. But even if this hasn't taken place at least once, they are not going to accept bad behaviour.

A Different Reality

If someone like this was to come across another person who is in an abusive relationship, they could tell them that they need to get away. The other person could listen to what they have to say and heed their advice.

Then again, they could listen to what they have to say and continue to live their life in the same way. Clearly, this is going to be just about the worst thing that they could do - they need to get away.

Another Problem

There is also the chance that someone like this has walked away from an abusive relationship in the past, only to have ended up with another person who was just as bad. Conversely, they may have ended up going back to the person who they left.

From the outside, it can look as though there is something deeply wrong with this person. Instead of doing whatever they can to look after themselves, it is as though they are doing everything they can to harm themselves.

The Answer

One way of looking at this would be to say that this is someone who suffers from low self-esteem. Therefore, if they were to feel better about themselves, they would no longer put up with this kind of behaviour.

Now, there is the chance that this approach may work, but in order for this to take place, someone like this will need to take the next step. It is not as though another person is going to come and save them.
An Act

Yet, even if someone was to come and save them, it doesn't mean that they will have their best interests at heart. How this person comes across in the beginning could be nothing like what they will be like as time goes by.

At first it would have seemed as though their life was about to change, but as time passes, they will see that this was nothing more than an illusion. When one ends up with someone like this, they could even come to the conclusion that they are unlucky.

Self-Image

They are not going to feel as though they have much control over their life, that's for sure. Feeling powerless and helpless is going to be a normal part of their life, and they will be used to feeling angry and frustrated.

Going deeper, they may also spend a fair amount of time experiencing fear, anxiety and even terror. When this is what is taking place within them, the ideal would be for them to pay attention to this information.

Evasive Action

Their body is telling them everything they need to know, yet it is not possible for them to get away from their abusive partner. They are not safe where they are, so they need to leave and to be somewhere that is safe.

However, even though their life is under threat where they are, it is still not going to be enough to get them moving. It is then as though they only feel safe when they feel unsafe, and this is why they can't leave.

Inner-Conflict

The part of them that is supposed to keep them alive is not going to be functioning in the right way; if it was, they would be able to protect themselves. Also, the fact that this is what feels safe shows that something isn't right.

One should feel safe when their life is not under threat; what shouldn't feel safe is being with someone who makes them feel as though their life could end at any moment. What this can show is that they grew up in an environment that wasn't safe, meaning it wasn't safe for them to exist.

Way Back

During this time, they may have experienced some kind of abuse, and this would have caused their mind and body to be flooded with trauma. Being treated badly would then have become what was familiar and therefore what felt safe.

So as destructive as this was, being treated in this way would have been associated as what is safe. The alternative would have been for them to have been felt, and this would have been far worse than being abused.

Fear of Death

One could then have died through being treated so badly, but they would have definitely have died if they were abandoned. It was then a case of being abused and surviving or being left and dieing.

The love, care, and nurturance that they needed to develop a strong sense of self wouldn't have been provided. Additionally, they would have developed a craving for drama and they would have ended up being stuck in survival mode.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

What will need to happen here is that one will need to release the trauma that is being held in their body and mind. And as this takes place, they will gradually begin to feel safe with being safe as opposed to feeling safe with being unsafe.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Article Source:  Relationships: Do Some People's Childhood Set Them Up To Feel Safe With Abuse?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Trapped Around Others?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Trapped Around Others?

By Oliver JR Cooper

While reaching out to others and experiencing intimacy is normal for some people, there are others who experience life in a very different way. When someone can reach out to others and experience intimacy, they could be in a fulfilling relationship.

However, even if they are not with someone at this stage in their life, there are bound to be other people in their life who they can connect with. When one is around someone like this, they will be able to share who they are.

True-Self

Said another way, there will be no reason for them to wear a mask and therefore, to put on an act. There are likely to be moments when they are unable to express who they are, so they may have to wear a mask.

If they didn't do this, it might cause them to be harmed in some way, and this is why there are going to be moments when they won't be able to reveal themselves. But when they are with the people who they are close to, this won't be the case.

Boundaries

What this will also show is that one feels safe enough to express who they are around these people. As a result of this, they are not going to have a fear of losing themselves around others or of being harmed.

This is going to be why they are able to share their inner world to begin with. If they didn't feel safe enough to stay in their body around others and to open up, their life would be very different.

The Key

It is then not that this person is lucky and just happens to experience life in this way; what it comes down to is that they have good boundaries. This is what allows them to act like an individual.

Perhaps this is how this person has always experienced life, or maybe this is the result of the work that they have done on themselves. On the other hand, when someone doesn't experience life in this way, this could be how their life has always been.

Overwhelmed

When they are around others, they can feel the need to get away or they can end up disconnecting from what is taking place within them. Due to this, it is going to be a challenge for them to express their true-self around others.

One can then end up spending a lot of time by themselves as this will stop them from having to experience extreme discomfort. Also, through being in their own company, they will be able to connect to who they are.

Out of Their Body

If they are around someone or a group of people, they could end up leaving their body and moving their point of awareness up into their mind. One is then going to be out of touch with most of their needs and feelings and this can cause them to play a role.

And as one will be out of touch with their inner world, it won't be possible for them to experience intimacy. Consequently, they can feel just as lonely around others as they do by themselves.

Hidden

At the same time, if they are able to connect to themselves when they are in their own company, it might not be as bad for them to be by themselves. They won't have anyone around them, but at least they won't need to put on an act or to feel overwhelmed.

Still, when they are by themselves, they will they come into contact with their need to connect to others. That is, of course, unless they consume something (or a number of things) to push this pain out of their awareness.

A Short-Lived Affair

If one has been with people in the past, they may find that they were fine in the beginning and then they had to leave before long. They may have just felt compelled to end the relationship.

It was then not something that they consciously decided to do; their body would have made the decision for them. These people might have been left confused but one would have just needed to get away.

A Number of Words

If one was to get in touch with how they feel when they are around others or in a relationship, for instance, they could say that they feel trapped, smothered, or even claustrophobic. Getting away is then going to be seen as the only way for them to change how they feel.

The trouble with this is that it stops them from being able to fulfil their need to express their true-self and to experience intimacy with others. Additionally, this will also make it difficult for them to be intimate with themselves.

A Closer Look

One way of looking at this would be to say that one needs to change their thoughts, as this will allow them to change their behaviour. Another approach would be for them to focus on their body and to see why this is happening.

If one feels trapped when they are around others and needs to get away, it is as though their body goes into the freeze response and then into the flight response. This is usually what happens when someone feels as though they are under attack.

Trauma

There is going to be no reason for their body to respond in this way; it is not as though their life is under threat. Nevertheless, there was probably a time in their life when it was under threat, and this is why their body is responding in this manner.

The beginning of their life may have been a time when they were smothered by one of their parents. This might have taken place when they were a baby, meaning they wouldn't have been able to do anything about it.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

The trauma that is within them will need to be dealt with and, as this takes place, it will be easier for them to be in the present moment.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Article Source:  Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Trapped Around Others?

We, My Friends, Are Walking Mirrors

We, My Friends, Are Walking Mirrors

By Steve Wickham

HAVE you ever noticed that, no matter how confident you are, eye contact is harder with a person who avoids eye contact? Or, when someone gives you intentional eye contact their attention provokes your own attention?

Whilst we tend not to notice it, we do tend to mirror each other.

It is a problem that is easily fixed, for instance, if we are fearful of being rejected and we rarely open ourselves up to be accepted. In such a case, we need to be courageous to facilitate people accepting us. If we wish to be accepted by others we need to model such acceptance. Do it and things slowly change.

We are walking mirrors in this relational world - what we receive we tend to mirror and give, and what we give others tends to be mirrored. The opportunity is to both break the pattern and become more a social pioneer, and to use the pattern and give only what is worthy of mirroring.

The world is not against us without us make our own contribution to rejection.

In feeling rejected we reject others due to low desire and confidence, then they reject us, so we feel rejected. Never does the twain meet. The process is so circular.

As we feel rejected more and more, more and more are we forced to think why we are being rejected. We, being creative and negative about ourselves, make up all sorts of stories that aren't in keeping with reality. We come up with a story and assume it's correct, never thinking the fault is with our own thinking.

But the truth is we don't make the effort to reach out, because of our fear.

So, what can be done?

Face your concern, ignore your fear.

Face your target, ignore your shadow.

Face your truth, ignore your voices.

Face your desire, ignore your history.

See that it is the story in your head that matches your behaviour. Strip that story bare, live present in reality, refuse to be a mirror, and see people begin to mirror your positive intent. Rewrite your story. Help them rewrite theirs.

It is time to resist being sucked into the social story of our time.

Steve Wickham holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

Article Source:  We, My Friends, Are Walking Mirrors

Relationships: What Is The Difference Between A Man Who Hates Women And A Man Who Hates Men?

Relationships: What Is The Difference Between A Man Who Hates Women And A Man Who Hates Men?

By Oliver JR Cooper

What might not surprise someone is that some men hate women, yet what might surprise them is that there are some men who hate men. It might be hard for them to accept this, especially as they are men themselves.

A Different Response

Then again, this might be something that they are only too aware of, meaning that it is not going to be hard for them to accept this. If man does hate women, he is likely to receive a lot negative feedback from others.

Yet, if a man hates men, he is likely to receive a fair amount of positive feedback from people. The reason for this is that it is not uncommon for men to be portrayed in a negative manner, making it acceptable to put them down.

The Oppressed Gender

Women, on the other hand, are often seen as being victims, and this is why they deserve to receive special treatment. But even though they are often portrayed as victims, they are also seen as being 'empowered'.

The average person is likely to find this confusing, with it being hard for them to understand how women can be empowered and victims. In reality they are either going to be victims or they will be empowered human beings, they can't be both.

Only Too Clear

If a woman is truly in touch with her own inner strength, it is highly unlikely that she would see other women or herself as a victim. So, even if there are moments when she is victimised, she won't allow this to define how she sees herself.

And through being this way, she is also likely to see that there are going to be moments when men are victimised, too. It is then not as if men have it easy and women suffer; they will see that life is not this black and white.

Self-Aware

When a woman has this outlook, it could be said that she is self-aware and that she has the ability to reflect. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for a lot of the women who are given a platform in today's world.

If the world is to change for the better, what is needed is for people to take responsibility for their own life and not to blame others. It is easy to blame men for all the problems in the world, but what does this do apart from create even more division?

Two Ways

With that aside, if a man does hate women he is unlikely to be a 'feminist'; whereas if a man hates men, there is the chance that he will be. Nevertheless, if man does become a feminist, it doesn't mean that he will be accepted by this movement.

There are going to be a number of women who say that he is no better than any other man. He could then feel as though he doesn't belong, which could cause him to experience a lot of pain.

The Cause

When it comes to the man who hates woman, it could be said that this shows that he has had a number of bad experiences with them. But when a man hates other men, it can be harder to come up with a reason as to why he would feel this way.

After all, he is man himself. One way of looking at this would be to say that he has been treated badly by other men throughout his life, and this is what set him up to hate men.

Two Personalities

If a man hates women, he could come across as stoic and confident; he could be popular and certain people could even describe his as an 'alpha man'. And even though he doesn't like women, it doesn't mean that they won't be attracted to him.

But if a man hates men, he could come across as emotional and be anything but confident. He could be described as a nice guy and find it incredibly difficult to attract women.

Going Deeper

When it comes to how these two men behave in their adult life, there the chance that their childhood years had a big effect. Regardless of whether a man hates women or hates men, they may have grown up without a father, or a father who wasn't emotionally available.

In addition to this, they may have had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and smothering at the same time. Naturally, this would have had a negative effect on their ability to develop into an autonomous human being.

Two Options

These early years probably would have caused them to experience shame and it wouldn't have been possible for them to develop strong boundaries. Furthermore, their father wouldn't have been around to affirm their value or to guide them.

The man who hates women will have disconnected from this shame and their emotions in general, and he would have directed his anger towards his mother and, as time passed, this would have ended up being directed towards all women. If he was to get in touch with his feelings, he may find that the also hates his father, and the reason why this hasn't taken place can be because he fears his father.

The Other Side

When it comes to the man who hates other men, he will have stayed connected to this shame and directed his anger towards his father. And as the years passed, this anger would end up being directed towards all men.

Due to the experience he had with his mother as a child, he is likely to be fearful of her, and this is why he can't face up to the fact that he also hates his mother. One man has the need to protect their father, while the other has the need to protect their mother.

Awareness

What this emphasises is how important both the mother and father is when it comes to childhood development. When one parent is missing, it can lead to all kinds of problems, problems that can take years to deal with when someone is adult - that's if they are even dealt with.

If man can relate to this, and he wants to let go of the pain that is within him, it might be a good idea for him to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
   https://www.facebook.com/OliverJRCooper

Article Source: Relationships: What Is The Difference Between A Man Who Hates Women And A Man Who Hates Men?

Relationships: Do We Judge Others In The Same Way That We Judge Ourselves?

Relationships: Do We Judge Others In The Same Way That We Judge Ourselves?

By Oliver JR Cooper

It could be said that just about everyone on this planet judges others from time to time. However, one of the main differences is that some people are more judgmental than others.

The Difference

Along with this, not everyone judges others in the same way. What this means is that one person could have the tendency to judge how other people look, while another could focus on how they behave.

At the same time, someone could judge just about everything and not limit it to one area of another person's life. And when someone is extremely judgemental, it can be hard for the people around them to enjoy their company.

An Unpleasant Experience

They might find it hard to relax or to be themselves, as they will know that it won't be long until this person finds someone or something to pull down. Yet, even if they were to say something to them, it doesn't mean that anything would change.

What comes out of their mouth could be dismissed and it might even cause them to be judged. It will then be clear that this person is not willing to change their behaviour, and this is likely to show that they believe that they are doing the right thing.

Pointing Out the Obvious

They could say that they are simply expressing what other people think but don't talk about. As a result of this, they might not even see themselves as being judgmental; if anything, they may believe that they ability to see clearly.

If this is the case, it will be in one's best interest to limit the amount of time that they spend with someone like this, or to cut their ties all together. Having said all this, if someone is very judgmental, they could also spend time with people who are no different.

Common Ground

The people in their life are then going to support their behaviour, and this person will support the behaviour of the people around them. What causes them to believe that they are right comes down to the fact that other people have the same outlook.

The fact that this doesn't prove that they are right is irrelevant, and there is going to be no reason for them to take a step back and to reflect on their own behaviour. It would be easy to believe that someone like this only causes other people to suffer and that they feel good about themselves.

A Release

If one was to listen to what goes on in this persons mind, they are likely to be in for a shock; that is, if they believe that this person feels good about themselves. What they are likely to find is that the suffering they inflict on others is not different to the suffering they inflict on themselves.

Putting other people down is then a way for them to elevate themselves and, unless their inner world changes, they are unlikely to change their behaviour. Therefore, if they were to become less judgemental without changing what is going on within them, they would probably feel even worse.

One Focus

For example, if one was to always talk about how useless or incompetent other people are, this could show that they always feel as though they are not good enough. What they say to others is then no different to what they say to themselves.

But what could make this hard to see is that one could act as though they are highly competent. There is also the chance that they are competent, which could show that the negative voice within them has made them work extremely hard.

A Human Doing

What this can then show is that they believe that their value is based on what they do and not on who they are. Being good at something and achieving things will then be way for them to try to feel as though they have value.

However, while this will be how some people define their value, there will be others who define it in other ways. So, this may mean that they believe their value is based on how they look or how much money they have.

The Outcome

If it relates to how they look, it may mean that they are physically attractive, or it might not. Either way, it can then be normal for one to believe that someone's value depends on what they look like.

One can then see other people as objects, and this can be how they see themselves. It won't matter that their value, along with everyone else's value, is based on who they are and not on what they look like.

The Truth

In all of these cases and numerous others, one can be so caught up in a perspective that it is not possible for them to see that what they believe is not the truth. Their value is inherent; it doesn't depend on what they look like, how much money they have, how competent they are, or anything else for that matter, and the same applies to the people who they come into contact with.

When it comes to how one judges themselves, and how this causes them to judge others, what took place during their early years can play a part. The way in which their caregivers spoke to them may have been internalised.

Awareness

It is then not going to matter if their caregivers are not longer on this planet, as these people will live inside their own head. These experiences would have caused one to create certain believes about themselves and the world.

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
   https://www.facebook.com/OliverJRCooper

Article Source: Relationships: Do We Judge Others In The Same Way That We Judge Ourselves?